As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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