fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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