I wish you could order shots online.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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