Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize