dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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