we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
He's a Shit stain on my heart
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
He shit in the fireplace
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
