Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
