The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
