Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I need a beard to bite.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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