you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
