Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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