Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize