so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
