Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
We're too hungover to prance.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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