i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
