remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
