Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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