My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
Sorry about my life...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Randomize