All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
When did angry sex become our thing?
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
