New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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