HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
