Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
So. Much. Porn.
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