My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
