Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Randomize
