the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Randomize
