glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
