At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
