The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
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