I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
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