I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
youre lurking in front of me
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Randomize
