You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize