Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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