this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
