Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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