the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
