The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
