I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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