So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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