I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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