Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
