she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
