I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
