look no pants
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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