I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
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