you have to choose: penises or morals?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize
