Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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