So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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