Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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