I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
