Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
we better have passed that bar exam - i dont want to have to drink like this again
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
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