i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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