I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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