So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
