You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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