I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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