Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
