i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize