I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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