I'm really into asian looking animals
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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