yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Randomize
