They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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