So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
